Here I am again. Struggling. Trying to get to the starting line. Again. 10 years out from my transplant surgery and my body is rebelling as only it can.

It no longer allows me the joy of eating nourishing foods. This past year it’s become increasingly difficult to eat without dealing with major bouts of nausea, vomiting and pain. When I do manage to get food into my digestive system it’s not absorbing nutrients, so I’m dealing with malabsorption and malnutrition.

My doctor is recommending a feeding tube be placed to rest my paralyzed gut and enable me to get the nourishment I need to keep living this thing called life.

I’ve hit that wall again where I’m disheartened and overwhelmed. I’ve faced this throughout the 15 years I’ve been sick, and I know I’ll muster the strength to do what needs to be done, but today, in this moment, I’m grieving for what was and will never be again.

The loss of things I had regained is harder this time around. The hope for my future less certain and sustaining. I’d like the chance to start over and write an ending that’s new, but I can’t. Yet despite all this, I continue to be grateful for this body that is trying so hard to sustain me.

Onward…