one woman’s journey navigating a new normal
I discovered that if I’m strong enough to be weak enough, I’m given a wound that never heals. It’s this gift that keeps my heart open. I discovered that joy – real joy that doesn’t deny what’s difficult in our lives – is a choice. Joy finds us when we’re willing to acknowledge that we belong – to ourselves; to another; to the world; to the mystery that is so much larger than ourselves.
Caring for a loved one can be a full-time job, often on top of another full-time job and competing family obligations. According to CDC data, one in five U.S. adults provide informal care for loved ones, with one in six non-caregivers expecting to start caring for a loved one within the next two years . While the work of a caregiver can be draining, it can also be rewarding and provide a sense of fulfillment.
Since my relationship ended a year ago, I’ve done a lot of thinking and processing. It’s been necessary for me to come to an understanding about why certain patterns have continually played out in my life.
Each time our health worsens or we undergo another surgery, another diagnosis, we experience a new wave of grief. It’s death by 1,000 cuts. It’s progression within progression, one disease playing off the other. It’s Relapse. Remission. Recurrence.
I have been searching for my "home" all of my life. Not the traditional "home" we think of as a roof, windows and walls, but the metaphorical "home." My soul's "home."
It took me several years to truly understand that what happened with my friends was not malicious or intentional; it was the unfortunate by product of change. It was the natural shift that occurs when people are no longer moving in the same direction. Like a road that reaches a fork, I went left while they went right.
The wheel on the hospital gurney made a continuous squeaking sound as they wheeled me down the hall to the operating room. It was one of those incessant noises that would normally drive me crazy, but for some reason that morning I found it comforting. Grounding.
It’s not a linear path we walk when a relationship ends. We push, we pull, we trudge, we hold fast, we deny, we hope, we rail, we move forward, we fall back, we stand still.
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